thank you for your friendship, for holding woes in the back lot when it's freezing outside. i know i was too drunk. i shit twice between 1 and 7am. that’s probably two too many. time has been moving irregularly. surprised? no!!! how else is it supposed to move? but this might be the longest January in a long time. 13 days ago i was in new york. what the fuck? how the fuck. don’t ask me. if i was a woman i would be mad but i’m not a woman. why take a cold shower in January? i think because who doesn’t want to walk on a freezing beach. i went yesterday with my dad and after he shamed me about my credit card debt we actually had a really nice time. there were huge frozen blocks of ice on the rocks and i scratched my truly nail-less fingernails over them and gave each ice formation a little pat, like great job here on the beach,
you’ve probably been here for a lot longer than what the word years can actually mean to us in our little human brains. you didn’t grow that ice but it’s molded around you and looks so beautiful. really good job. i knocked on the ice with my fist too, gently. not my fists, my knuckles, i should get the anatomy right. i should i should i should. there were a lot of squishy crab parts near the shoreline too. i picked one up and the little claws had gone squishy. is that what happens when you’re a crab and then you’re dead for a while? your claws go squishy but you’ll die with a sturdy hollow body?
my dad said woah there’s a lot of brain matter type of stuff on the beach today. there were other things too; one thing looked like it came from the inside or maybe outside of a lobster and squished under my gentle boot but i didn't want to touch it with my hands. i dragged my boot over the divots in the sand where the small water waves change the texture just like in a dream I had recently that i actually also wrote a poem about…
surprise!! my date the other night asked me what i thought a poem was and i said so many words and felt my eyes going everywhere, up to the ceilingsky thinking and after i said all those dumb nothing words to answer i found my actual answer which is that i finally remembered that a poem is just anything that makes you feel something in your body. which means it's all a poem. how fucked up is that. i’ve been getting dry skin on my eyelids which is so gross. although it has actually been a couple days since i’ve seen it, but it was so jarring because i’ve never had that before. my ears were really cold on the beach because i never wear hats because I genuinely always forget about them. i like a big scarf instead. there were lots of little pools i wanted to splash in. if i come back i want to come back as water.
i almost forgot!! i saw the biggest clam shells i've ever seen in my life, the size of one of my entire hands. there was one that was pushed down into the sand open faced and i said it’s ass up, buttcheeks first. i’m currently trying to find the actual scientific name of this particular clam but there are a lot of types of clams and i'm sort of afraid to see a too-close-up of a picture of the inside of them. did you know Geoduck clams can live up to 179 years? again, like the rocks, i don't know if i can conceptualize 179 years so well. but maybe it’s actually easier to do that than to think about how so much can happen in 13 days. how long do you think it's appropriate to stay in the bathroom at work? time moves differently when there’s a math class on the other side of the door and not a pile up of starbucks drinks to make. maybe there’s no answer. maybe there’s laundry in the basement waiting for me. there is and maybe is always so good at making things sooooo mysterious. it wants that, it asks that of us.
maybe maybe maybe having a Wednesday off will do some good. am I making any sense? when you read this do you follow? i wait at home with wet hair for something to return to somewhere. i dry my hair better now at 27, i use the wet tee shirt contest tee shirt which has a better texture for my fried and split ends. i’ll start where i ended— i meant to say just now i'll end where i started. i was going to pose a question to my friend talia, how do you dry your hair? it’s short so maybe you just shake the wet off. i forgot to say earlier i'm growing mine out again. yours is fantastic. keep me posted on your drying method and anything else that comes to your mind. love you.